Writers of intermediate-stage drafts need to know where their claims lack sufficient evidence, what ideas confuse readers, and how their approach misses its target audience. They also need to know which parts of their drafts are clear and well written.
Read the comments on the draft to see where you might look in The Everyday Writer for help when revising an early draft.
Intermediate Draft
Looking Good: Bodies as American Disease
She has collarbones, hipbones, cheekbones, so many bones. She looks at the camera with sunken eyes, smiling her dress is Versace, or Gucci, or Dior, and it is revealing, revealing every bone and joint in her thin, thin body. She looks as if I could snap her in two. I look away and wonder what kind of self-discipline it takes to become skinny like the model in my magazine.
By age seventeen a young woman has seen an average of 250,000 times of an underweight woman whose body type is for the most part unattainable by any means including extreme ones such as anorexia, bulimia, and drug use, according to Allison LaVoie (par. 4). In 1950, the White Rock Mineral Water girls was 5'4" tall and weighed 140 pounds; now she is 5'10" tall and weighs only 110 pounds (Pipher 184).
This media phenomenon affects everyone. Five to ten million women in America today suffer from an eating disorder related to poor self-image, and yet advertisements continue to prey on insecurities fueled by women’s desire to be thin. Current estimates reveal that 80 percent of women are dissatisfied with their appearance [...]
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |